Time to Talk: How the Black Community Can Embrace Mental Health Conversations
By Yolande Clark-Jackson
“Time to Talk Day '' kicked off at the beginning of this month, and when we think about all there is to talk about in our homes and in our communities, we know one day is not enough time to talk about what’s needed to heal generational trauma. But it’s a start. In the Black community, it is no secret that we’ve had a complicated relationship with the mental health industry. Historically, we didn’t see ourselves as part of the population that “talked about our business with strangers” or spent time talking about a past we couldn’t change. We saw therapy as something other people did and believed the best way to overcome obstacles was to show strength. We didn’t let certain things “get us down” and we “kept it moving.”
Based on the dangers and circumstances Black people faced, it’s understandable why acknowledging and validating feelings, seemed like a luxury we couldn’t afford. Fortunately, much of that is changing as many throughout the diaspora are looking for ways to heal generational trauma and are finding ways to create safe spaces to heal themselves and their relationships. And this change is happening one person, one family, and one day at a time.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Dr. Kachael Stocks shares the importance of recognizing the roots of generational trauma to move communities toward healing.
The impact of generational trauma
“For Black families, generational trauma can stem from various racial traumas including but not limited to being trafficked from Africa to the Americas, being enslaved, forced migration/immigration, refugee status, and the constant enactments of violence due to the systemic racism written into our country’s foundation,” says Stocks.
She adds that effects of these traumas can show up in descendants as feelings of anxiousness, in disrupted relationships or through the lack of connection in relationships. “These traumas teach us that the world is not safe for our black bodies, it’s “too much.” People then “cope '' in the best ways they can with the resources/knowledge they have, which if unexamined, inadvertently gets passed down to the future generations as the way to live in relationship with themselves and others,” she explains. This means many detachment responses we used for survival, often don’t work to sustain healthy relationships.
Importance of creating safe spaces to heal relationally
Stocks says, “Because the generational trauma stems from disrupted/severed relationships with homeland, family, culture, spirituality, language, self, etc., the healing must incorporate reconnecting to these things that all together foster wellness.”
She says we have to go back to the communal ways we used before the disruption of colonization. She warns, “To try and do the healing alone replicates the severing that colonization did to create the trauma. Our culture profits off of trying to heal alone because it never gets us back to the holistic wellness that existed before colonization.” Collective healing builds and strengthens communities.
Creating new patterns
Stocks says, creating new patterns requires really understanding the old patterns and moving toward more curiosity.
Start by asking questions like the following:
“Why don’t we share our feelings?”
“What does it feel like in my body when I even think about sharing my feelings?’ with you?”
“What do I feel in my body when you DO share your feelings with me?”
“Do we even recognize our feelings when they come up?”
“What does each of our histories say will happen if we express how we feel?”
She also states, “Answering these questions can open up a non-judgmental space to assess why the process is currently so hard. With these answers, you can make small commitments and adjustments to how you relate to each other AND your own feelings.”
Stocks reminds us that big steps aren’t always necessary. One small adjustment could be simply naming the discomfort of anxiousness, embarrassment or shame when it comes up. “Maybe you start practicing regulation strategies that calm your body when the feelings shared are overwhelming,”she says. And this process does not have to be done alone. “Maybe set aside time to be uncomfortable with each other to practice expressing your feelings and co-regulating through it. Ultimately, acknowledging that we have a current pattern that doesn’t work for us, so let’s acknowledge when we get stuck in it and commit to trying something different.”
What we say matters
We all want to be heard, and none of us want to feel like our feelings don’t matter. But sometimes we don’t know how to express our feelings without shutting down the conversation.
Stocks provides suggestions on alternative things to say to keep lines of communication open:
Instead of: “You always do this! Forget it! That’s why I never tell you anything!”
Say: “I feel myself shutting down right now. I think we’re in that old pattern again. Can we try something different? (a break, asking more questions, reflecting on what has been heard so far, body sensation check in).”
Instead of: “You’re too emotional! I can’t talk to you when you’re like this!”
Say: “I am feeling ______ in my body right now as you share your feelings. I’m overwhelmed and can’t follow what you’re saying anymore. Can we take a 5-minute break so I can come back down and we can try again.”
Instead of: “You’re just wrong! I don’t even understand why I try talking to you!”
Say: “What I keep hearing from you is ____________, is that right? (If yes) My experience is __________ which makes it hard for me to feel how you do about it. I feel _________ about our relationship because we view it differently, but I want to feel connected. (Invite collaboration on how to be connected despite difference)”
Practice forgiveness and compassion
Forgiveness and compassion can aid in healing and creating healthy relationships because it helps you to accept the humanness of yourself and others.
With compassion and understanding of where we’ve come from and open conversation, we can collectively work toward healing ourselves and our communities. And when we seek the support of mental health professionals who look like us and understand our common experiences, we have a better chance of getting to the root of the pain.
Ibisanmi Relational Health therapists are trained and skilled professionals who can help.
Book a free 15-minute consultation here.
And, be sure to follow IG at @ibisanmi.relational for mental health check ins, tips, and inspirational posts.
