3 Ways Black Couples Can Increase Intimacy
How couples can reframe the past to enjoy more closeness in the present.
By Yolande Clark-Jackson
When we think of intimacy, we probably don’t think about our history. But our racial, social, emotional and relational past can impact our present relationships and how we practice intimacy. Most don’t realize that intimacy is informed by many factors, including how our parents and our grandparents practiced intimacy, which can directly or indirectly inform how we relate to our romantic partners.
All couples have to work at getting their emotional needs met while working to meet the emotional needs of their partner, but Black couples face an additional challenge—shouldering the additional emotional, mental and social-economic burden of a history of systematic racism, racial oppression, and racialized gender stereotypes.
Besides the feelings of isolation and mistrust that racial stressors and stereotypes bring on an individual level, they can also hinder intimacy in relationships. “The barriers to intimacy that heterosexual Black couples often experience are the difficulties of putting each other in a box,” says Christiana Ibilola Awosan, Ph.D., a New York–based marriage/couples and family therapist and founder of Ibisanmi Relational Health. She adds statements like “Black women are emotionless and strong” or “Black men can’t be trusted”, make it difficult for couples to connect and cultivate true intimacy with each other.
The desire to feel accepted, safe and protected is often greater for Black couples but may feel farther out of reach. But Awosan says it’s possible for Black couples to practice intimacy, strengthen their bond, and heal past trauma together.
Here are three ways she suggests Black couples can get started building emotional intimacy:
1. Daily or weekly practice of affirming the uniqueness of your partner
Awosan says identifying and verbalizing the part of your partner that makes them unique and special to you will help push beyond stereotypes. “It allows us to see the humanity of our partner and who they are, which helps build intimacy: you see your partner a bit clearer and your partner sees you more clearly as well.”
Affirming your partner’s uniqueness regularly will also help keep the relationship in the present and free from memories of experiences in past relationships.
2. Ritual of weekly communication
“I think it is important for couples to intentionally create time and ritual to communicate weekly regarding what they need to focus on individually and together as a couple. This allows for time to identify areas of stressors in each of their lives for the week and as a couple. It also allows for time to be able to request and express to your partner how you would like for them to support you and be present for you as you work to do the same for them.”
Awosan says this meeting can also be a time to share wins for the week and what you each are looking forward to in the future weeks. By keeping to a regular schedule, couples can develop a sense of togetherness and interdependency that will help to shelter them from external stressors, including stressors like racism and sexism.
3. Plan fun and play together: Making time to have fun and play can spark joy and help release endorphins in the brain that helps us relieve stress. Awosan says play also helps us to be less critical of ourselves and others which can allow couples to experience a different part of each other. “It allows for an opportunity to build trust, and cultivate intimate and memorable moments.”
Making time for play can also break the monotony of the day-to-day routine and provide an outlet for couples to share and enjoy.
Building intimacy can come in many forms
Couples often think of sex or physical intimacy as the only priority in a relationship. While physical intimacy is important, so is emotional intimacy. There are also many other types of intimacy couples can build with one another.
✔ Build intellectual intimacy by reading together or learning a new skill together
✔ Build commitment intimacy by setting the same goals and working toward them together
✔ Build environmental intimacy by hiking together or watching the sun rise or set each day
✔ Build creative intimacy by creating new recipes together or practicing art making
Whatever aspect of intimacy you choose, the goal should be the same: build closeness and heal together.
If you feel your relationship could benefit from the support of a trained culturally affirming professional who specializes in relationships, reach out to the therapists and mental health professionals at Ibisanmi Relational Health. Start by booking a free 15-minute consultation here.
And, be sure to follow on IG at @ibisanmi.relational for mental health check ins and inspirational posts.
