The Pitfalls of Preaching Positivity
By Yolande Clark-Jackson
We’ve all been there where what you need is to express how you feel and what you get is a bumper sticker statement like, “Try to focus on the positive.” Sometimes no matter how well intentioned a statement like this is, it’s far from helpful at the moment. Instead, it feels like someone is trying to dismiss your feelings. Sometimes everything isn’t okay, and we shouldn’t have to pretend that it is.
Toxic Positivity is a term used to describe when positivity preaching becomes harmful. It’s when someone promotes positive thinking at the onset of a pandemic or in the middle of seeing your house burning down. It’s when you’ve just buried your best friend or been evicted. It is being asked to ignore your authentic feelings so you can replace them with fake positive ones. Toxic positivity never serves the person suffering, it only serves the person who wants to protect themselves from acknowledging suffering exists.
Thinking Positive is not a bad thing!
There’s nothing wrong with having a positive outlook on life or being optimistic that things that are bad will eventually get better. Gratitude journaling, visioning a positive future and being optimistic has many mental and physical health benefits. According to a study cited by Johns Hopkins Medicine, a positive outlook can even prevent heart disease or stroke. And people with disease who maintain a positive attitude toward the future have better outcomes according to the National Library of Medicine.
But it often takes time for optimism to settle in after a storm. Once the dust settles, we can look around and give thanks for what we’ve survived. But when we’re in the midst of it, we can only see what is ahead of us, and it can be scary. Fear can be real when in a dangerous situation. And we can feel lost in the throes of a crisis, especially if there are very few options in sight.
The last thing a person needs when struggling emotionally, physically, financially or relationally is to feel shame for being unable to look on the bright side. What they need is support.
How to Avoid Toxic Positivity:
Don’t offer positive thinking as a form of advice to someone who is struggling. It can feel like a judgment, or worse, it can make someone feel like their mindset is to blame for their circumstances.
Don’t use positive thinking as a way to hide the bad things that are happening around you. If you’re not careful, toxic positivity can become a way of tapping out, avoiding facing life's challenges, environmental issues, or societal ills. There are real issues facing our communities and our planet that need to be faced so they can be changed and pasting smiley face emojis over these issues won’t fix them.
Don’t place positive emotions above all other emotions. All emotions have a purpose, time and place. Positive emotions don’t always match the energy in a room.
Don’t use positivity preaching as a way to get people to change the subject. Sometimes people just need the time and space to get their feelings out to feel heard and supported.
Don’t ignore your own spectrum of emotions. Recognizing that you often have other vibes besides positive ones will allow you to be more compassionate towards others.
When to reach out for emotional support:
If you are having trouble communicating your feelings with others or feel overwhelmed with emotions, you might benefit from the support of a licensed therapist who can provide the tools and guidance you need. The therapists and mental health professionals at Ibisanmi Relational Health can support you. Start by booking a free 15-minute consultation here.
And, be sure to follow on IG at @ibisanmi.relational for mental health check ins and inspirational posts.
