Time to Talk Solutions: How to Talk About Your Problems and Make Progress
BY YOLANDE CLARK-JACKSON
We’ve all been in the place where we need to call someone to vent after someone made us angry, took advantage or was ungrateful. And If you've ever been hurt or wronged in some way, you often feel better after telling a close friend or family member.
Venting your anger, hurt, or frustration makes you feel better in the moment because you get those feelings out of your body and into the body of someone you trust to hold a space for it. You often go to these trusted listeners and supporters not for a solution but for a shoulder to cry on or to identify the loyal warriors who will stand firmly on your side. Because what feels often worse than being hurt or wronged, is feeling isolated. But sometimes talking about your problems over and over again to different people can lead to a downward spiral, especially if the goal of sharing never involves how to move forward. How can we productively talk about what’s bothering us without falling into a pattern of complaining?
According to research, we feel better immediately after complaining to someone because it brings us closer to the person we choose to confide in, but complaining alone won’t bring us closer to a solution or to feeling better about the situation. Dealing with unfairness is hard and we’re not always clear on what to do next.
On a segment of NPR’s Hidden Brain researcher Michael D Baer says, “When you share a sense of unfairness, to some extent, you are looking for them to confirm your interpretation of the event. At the moment, you're not really sure whether or not it was unfair or not. You're not sure whether there is a solution or a way forward.” He adds the problem with sharing and resharing is that you relive the event again and again. “The more you talk about it, you're rehashing that event. It's making those negative feelings come to the forefront.“ But he says if you wait a few weeks, the emotions will have died down and feel less overwhelming.
If you want to go from venting to victory, be strategic with the people you choose to share your complaints and decide on a goal…
Consider the person
If you want solutions, choose people who can be emphatic but also honest. Besides someone who can see things the way you see them, you want someone who can help you see beyond the current issue and help you move forward.
How to identify the best person to complain to:
Choose a person who will help you reframe the problem or situation by helping you see the bigger picture. They will listen and see your point of view but also be able to offer different perspectives or insights on the limitations of the other factors or people involved.
Choose a person who will make you feel hopeful that things can get better. As a response to heartbreak, disappointment, or a situation where a solution is not easy to find, this person will remind you that this situation will soon be in the rear view and not as difficult. My grandmother used to say, “nothing lasts always.” In the moment, a problem or situation may feel like it will never end, but feeling reassured that things will eventually get better provides hope.
Choose a person who will help you see your power. This person will help you find your agency. When something feels out of our control, this person can help you see which things are in the realm of your control in making the situation better.
Consider the goal
Be clear on your goal for sharing so that you and the listener know the expected outcome for the conversation. Sometimes you can ask the listener to help you be accountable. You can say something like, “If I’m still talking about this the next time we talk, remind me I’m supposed to be moving on.”
In the same NPR segment on how to complain better, Robin Kowalski who studies the art and the science of complaining at Clemson University in South Carolina says there are two types of complaints: Expressive Complaining and Instrumental Complaining.
Expressive Complaining: Allows you to express your concerns around a matter even if you don’t have a clear solution in mind. Expressive complaining can lead to an unexpected resolution or release.
Instrumental Complaining: Is the act of complaining for the purpose of seeking a solution and can lead to a collaborative effort toward a resolution or finding a way forward.
The type of complaining we want to avoid: “Excessive Complaining.” Excessive complaining can negatively impact your health, relationships, and outlook on life. We want to talk about our struggles and problems to gain emotional support, but we also want to make space for joy to improve our overall sense of well being.
Write it down
Instead of calling a friend, journaling your thoughts can help slow down emotions. Writing about the situation can also broaden your thinking. Ask yourself questions like “Why did this bother me so much?’ ‘Where does it hurt in my body?’, ‘Why does it hurt?’, ‘Is there anything I could have done differently?’, ‘What can I do to take care of myself?’ or ‘What can I do to move forward?” You may not get all the answers, but writing the questions will allow you to consider more possibilities and perspectives.
Reach out to a Professional
Reaching out to a licensed and trained professional can help you gain the tools and resources you need to move forward from a painful or traumatic situation. If you find you are stuck replaying the same conversations or events in your mind, seeking the help of a professional could make the difference. Book a 15-minute consultation with an Ibinsanmi therapist here.
And, be sure to follow on IG at @ibisanmi.relational for mental health check ins and inspirational posts.
