The Grief We Don’t Acknowledge is Still Real
Yolande Clark-Jackson
We are in year two of the pandemic. Many people are moving on with or without masks. Some are attending or hosting in-person events and braving large crowds without concern. What were once empty streets are now bustling with activity. But, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, Covid-19 is still here, people are dying, and many are still grieving. It is still a scary time. As of October 18, 2021, over 45 million people were lost to covid-19 in the US — now a leading cause of death— and researchers estimate that for every one person lost, there are nine left in mourning. Still, the ripple effects caused by these losses are hard to measure.
We have all lost someone or something through pandemic. We may have even had a loss that was compounded by the pandemic. Job loss, loss of income, relocation, or other events are sometimes a result of a loved one’s passing. Other times, these events cause feelings of grief on their own. And, as a community, we are still recovering from collective losses as a result of racial violence.
As we know from our experiences with our families and friends, not everyone processes grief the same way, and sometimes it’s hard for any of us to attend to grief when there are multiple things to grieve and other things requiring our time and attention. Many of us have had to ignore our grief to keep it moving instead of stopping to make space for our healing. But, unattended grief has lasting effects on the mind, body, and spirit. There is a cost to ignoring our grief, and our overall health and relationships usually pay the price.
Barriers to the Grieving Process
The pandemic placed a major barrier in the way of the natural grieving process by not allowing family members in ambulances or in hospital rooms while their loved ones were making their transition. What made matters worse was at the start of the pandemic, many families were unable to schedule funerals and grieve with their families.
Because Covid-19 disportionately impacted Black communities, many in our community were becoming numb to personal loss due to compassion fatigue. Having to make space for other people’s traumas and traumatic world events puts a strain on our ability to have compassion for ourselves and those closest to us. Due to the internet and social media, we can access news 24/7, especially bad news happening all around the world. It can be hard to carve out the mental and emotional space to hold all there is to grieve.
Another barrier to grieving can be other people’s perceptions of a situation. If a family member or friend makes you feel like you are grieving too much, too long, or completely wrong, this can make the process difficult and isolating. As a result, many people bury their grief.
The Cost of Unattended Grief
There are five stages of grief that are considered normal in the process after losing a loved one. But some experience symptoms that can worsen without support.
Feelings of intense grief can lead to increased stress, memory loss, panic attacks and even physical pain. Some feel like they are losing their mind and don’t know where to turn or who to talk to when the waves of emotions roll in.
Unattended grief can lead to prolonged grief disorder, which according to the American Psychiatric Association, can make those who suffer from it incapable of performing normal activities because of deep overwhelming feelings of sadness.
What to Say and Not to Say to People Who Are Grieving
If you are not the one grieving, but you know someone that is, you might not always know what to say. Sometimes saying nothing is better than saying something that could unintentionally cause more harm at the moment when the person needs to feel seen and heard instead of feeling like their grief is being invalidated.
Instead of saying, “He/She/They are in a better place,” try, “I wish I had the right words, just know I care.”
Instead of saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” try, “You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Instead of saying, “Be strong,” try giving a hug and saying nothing at all.
Why We Should Make Space for Grief
Making space for grief means making space for healing. As James Baldwin said, “Not everything that is faced can be changed but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” In the case of pandemic grief, we may not be able to change our new reality, but we can face it with the understanding that we need time to process our emotions and heal. And, that the time needed is different for everyone. One of the hardest aspects of grief beyond sadness is the feeling of isolation. Many times feeling alone deepens feelings of loss or hopelessness.
When we make space for grief, we acknowledge that something has changed and because of it, we have changed. We can not be expected to act in the same ways we did before, but we can ask those that love us to support us during the time of adjustment. We can also get help from a professional who can help us navigate the process and keep our balance while we weather the storm. With help and support, we can attend to our grief in healthy ways.
At Ibisanmi Relational Health we are here to support you and your loved ones who are grieving the loss of a friend or family member. We are also here to help you process the grief from losses caused or worsened by the pandemic. Book a 15-minute consultation here
And, be sure to follow us on IG at @ibisanmi.relational for mental health check ins and inspirational posts. Sometimes the right words come just at the right time.
